Rebuilding Trust
In other posts we’ve talked about forgiveness and touched on its relationship with trust. Forgiving someone does not automatically mean we should trust them. After forgiving, it is easier to open our hearts to trust but it is not always possible, or even advisable, to trust someone just because we forgave them. When someone continues to offend, not taking responsibility for their own behavior, it is never wise to automatically trust them. Rebuilding trust requires effort from both parties; it is never one-sided. Trust is easily broken and usually hard to rebuild. Yet, holding a grudge or putting up emotional walls of protection is not helpful either.
Mark (fictitious name) never learned how to deal with rejection from his father or the abandonment he felt when his mother left the family and divorced his father. He worked hard and often long hours at the small business he and his wife started when economic times were good. Times changed and every day was a struggle to meet the financial needs of the family. Often Mark would “blow-up” when Sara asked him about his day or made a suggestion in an effort to help. Sara so desperately wanted the peace and security back they had when they first dated that she would do almost anything to keep Mark happy.
The constant cycle of emotional abuse, forgiveness, and trusting Mark again and again was taking an emotional toll on Sara. She believed if she could do everything right Mark would be happy and the home would be peaceful, but it never worked. Mark had not changed. By the time they sought help for their marriage there were deep walls of bitterness around Sara’s heart. She didn’t want to forgive again because she didn’t trust him anymore. Sara believed that if she forgave Mark and let go of all the old offenses that meant she had to trust him again.
When we really forgive from the heart we intuitively know that for healthy relationships to grow there must be trust. By deduction we often assume that trust is part of forgiveness; it follows a natural progression. Yet, trust is separate from forgiveness. A mutually healthy relationship requires both people to be trustworthy in both words and actions. One person cannot demand trust from the other; it must be earned.
There has to be balance here though. On the one hand, trust cannot begin until there are behavioral changes in the offender. On the other hand, you must forgive (release to God the whole situation, person, and the emotional pain they caused) and trust He will deal with them. It is easy to miss God’s work in another person’s life when we refuse to forgive.
Sara learned to forgive and started putting up healthy boundaries with Mark. Yet it was tough for both of them until Mark took persistent action. He reconciled his inner issues by allowing God to speak truth to his inner trauma, aggressively worked to change his own behavior patterns, and through consistency won Sara’s heart and trust back. Now their marriage is healthier than it ever was. It wasn’t easy but it was worth the struggles.
Our basis of trust has to be trust in God. Without that all other relationships can lead to disappointment and insecurity. A safe place for trust to thrive requires open sharing of information, positive attitudes, encouraging one another and respect for each other. This requires a two way relationship. A wise person rebuilds trust they have broken by demonstrating humility and authenticity, telling the truth even when personally painful to do so, listening well, and respecting other’s opinions.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths straight. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:5-8